Life moves on for everyone around you

The message is very clear, it has been so for a while now. It's one of those things that makes perfect sense when you read it on a beautiful image on Instagram or Facebook. Note to self: spend less time in those soul-crushing places, especially Facebook! It makes perfect sense, you look at it and say suuuure, of course, I totally agree!! But when it comes to you, yeah, that's the thing. We've always been great at giving advice, it's so easy to talk about someone else's issues, how they should deal with it, what they should do, or feel, or act. Looking at stuff from far away is the most wonderful bliss. Enforcing it in your own life...not so much.

Upon becoming 33 I realized what I need to learn. Not what I need in terms on need-need. I have dreams, always had them, always wanted more, the most important "stuff" at least, I still need these things, these dreams to be accomplished, I am trying very hard to let them go but deep down I still hope for them and need them to be complete. But what I realized is that the thing I need the most now in order for my life to be peaceful and without any dramas or breakdowns is to be happy with what I have around me. Again, note to self: stay off Facebook. I get so easily consumed with other people's achievements and amazing lives (accomplishments which I also would like) to the point that I feel like a failure and I crash inside.

It's so hard to value yourself when you are so demanding and you have a long list of disappointments. It's hard to stay afloat when you feel so lonely and out of place, the world is turning at a different speed and you cannot keep up. Everyone's life around you moves on and you, are just letting time pass.

What I need to realize for myself is that I am lucky, I am valuable, I do have a lifestyle that many people would like to have, I am so lucky to be passionate about my job, that I am building a career and I have so much liberty in traveling wherever I want, whenever I want. I don't want to believe on the "whatever you want and deserve will come", that seems like again, putting a lot of expectations on something. The secret to a happy life is low expectations actually.

I do have lots of great things going on, I am thankful for the opportunities I got and I have been very lucky to be able to come to Vienna. It has been a blessing, even if it didn't have the happy ending I was hoping for.

I must be and feel complete with the life around me instead of always feeling incomplete due to the dreams I haven't accomplished so far.

This has been, by far the biggest challenge of 2016, perhaps I can enter 2017 with a different mindset, I hope my heart will be more peaceful soon. I suck at adulting sometimes. 

Things to remember in a more permanent way

I never really wanted thaaat bad a tattoo but lately I've thinking more and more about it. It has to have a meaning and I think I have found my meanings...plural

When I suffered my first heartbreak, or let's say given, although it was very hard for me as well due to certain circumstances at the moment, it was quite hard to bounce back. Somehow I was left alone, my friends were his friends, which meant they were no longer my own. I swore I wouldn't allow myself to disappear among the other person's group but I totally failed on my most recent experience. I guess I had already believed he was the last one, and these were going to be my people forever. The forever dream. I should have known better and I failed miserably. To my credit more than 10 years had passed, so I forgot that little life lesson. But I digress.

I got into surfing some time after and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Being out in the sea, alone, was mentally liberating. I was away from heartbreak, away from troubles at home, away from faculty stress, away from it all. It was just one wave after another. The good thing is that within this new hobby I was meeting new people, making new friends, making my group. The analogy was striking. Problems and issues come and go, they are here and then they go away, they always but always pass and fade away. Bad phases are followed by good ones, other bad phases in other areas come, sure, but they always pass by you and go away. You have to manage it, deal with it and believe they will always pass. I have tried really hard to keep this in mind since then, it makes perfect sense for me that I add this little reminder more permanently, so I can look at it every day and keep the focus whenever bad phases come.

The other "meaning" that I would like to remember more often is something that makes complete sense to me, me being a person that believes in love, forever love, completeness and the concept of this life and all the beautiful things it has to offer being meant to be enjoyed and shared with someone. I feel my most complete self and the best version of myself that I could possibly be when I am in love, when I admire and look up to my partner, when my partner motivates me and pulls me towards being better, less flawed, more aware, more understanding and loving towards everyone that surrounds us, when I feel secured, protected and loved and I can sleep without insomnia because I know that tomorrow he is still there and happiness is still here, when I can dream and want things, all the things in the world, and we want to discover more of the world, explore it together, explore the several steps of routine and how good that feels, breakfast in bed, dream about the tomorrow, making plans and seeing them through. I wanted it all, love, a family, children, career...and there was a point not so long ago that I really dreamed and believed I could have it all. I guess I was unlucky, it was not meant to be (everyone's favorite), he was wrong for me (another one favorite), and so on. My biggest dream beyond doubt would be to have a family, a loving sweet family, with two kids or more if I was so lucky. I know it may be unrealistic and even if two people are together it may be incredibly difficult to have it, but it's the dream. And although other people let go more easily, or don't desire it in the first place (which is totally fine) it's really hard for me to let go, because I know I'd be great at it, I can just feel it. I'd be a great mom....Nooo I don't have time to wait for it. Years pass by and I am always waiting, it's always the same thing...waiting...being positive...waiting again....a vicious circle that doesn't complete you. You learn life lessons, and had good things, sure, but now there' nothing and you are still incomplete. That's how I feel now, incomplete and I've always desired the full circle...I still do.
It should remind me that perhaps I should let go a little bit (at least not to suffer so much from the waiting) and that the full circle may be achieved with other accomplishments, a forever-partner and a family might not be in the works for me..who knows..that I should be at peace with this concept instead of being always anxious, depressed and frustrated...I will mature these ideas but they make perfect sense to me and they depict me 100% for a very long time now. If there is anything that I would ink forever it would be those two concepts. For sure!

The couple's group

The dreaded day has come, I am now the only single person in my friends' group here. And let me say this, it kind of sucks a little bit.

Also, this particular group of people (or should I say couples) don't usually go out at night. During the day yes, but at night it's dinner and off to home. No drinks, or going out, or dancing, or going to a bar. Very rarely I might say. Although I understand that when you are in a couple you tend to stay more in the coziness of home enjoying a movie or simple one another, you are already comfortable with your partner so you don't need to impress them with dates and drinks any more and you tend to slack more, I was not like that and I don't like that lifestyle. When I was in a relationship I still enjoyed drinks and cocktails, going out to a bar until late, go dancing....sure, there were nights that we would stay in but at least on Fridays or Saturdays there was something to do, and it was fun....I miss it a lot. Now my Fridays and Saturdays night are at home. Fun...And it's not a matter or suggesting to the friends to go out and have a drink..usually the response is not so great. Hell, even when Portugal was champion we all went home after watching the game. When I was in Portugal, even though with his friends and mostly couples we would go out a lot, it was fun!

Another thing that has disappeared or let's say reduced by a million is going to concerts. I used to do it a lot, concerts, festivals, I enjoyed it, dancing, a intimate concert in a bar or disco, a huge festival with all my favorite bands, I had someone with whom I shared the same taste in music, and his friends as well. Now, not so much..a huge emptiness of people and friends to share it with. So many possible fun times wasted in my good years. I fell all of this is slipping through my fingers, wasted time, wasted opportunities, wasted memories.  

And it's not only that, it's getting a toll on me to be around them when it's only couples. They are my best friends and the closest family here but it starts to wear me out and I need to be in a different environment, lighter, where I don't feel the pressure to be the only one, to not interrupt a couple, to not be in the middle for example. However it is not easy to escape and have alternatives, meet new people, hang out with other people or other groups, there is not much of an alternative....but I guess that one is my fault, I also slacked on that part I think. I have to do something about that otherwise I will go crazy and feel lonely all the time.  

Empty words

Never let yourself believe ever again in someone else's empty promises. Those kind of promises people make when they are happy and excited but then when reality sets in they just leave, like everyone who promised something before them, has left. Don't ever believe in nice pink words again. Just actions and gestures, those count, not vague and over the top words. Yes it's easy to say them but working for it..that's a whole parallel world. Don't ever let your hopes and expectations go up for empty words. Even if you do find happiness again, wear shoes and a winter coat just in case.

His friends

While trying to imagine my future (although I shouldn't) I try to imagine what I would want the other person to be, what I like that the other person would be, you know, minimum requisites. Again, although I shouldn't and it's completely stupid because it sets an insane amount of unreal expectations, I cannot help but wonder off sometimes.

One aspect of it that I don't think I thought of before is how I would like HIS FRIENDS to be like. Let's be real, when things cool off from the honeymoon phase where you have eyes for no one else, the friends part start to come into action. And it's true, when you are not by yourselves you are with friends, weather them being his, hers or common, it just comes with the package. And I'll be honest, I enjoyed very much HIS (the ex) FRIENDS. It was a great support system, they were funny, enjoyable, relatable, we spent a lot of time together, many many holidays shared, it was so easy...and I could just totally imagine that happy and great group of people being part of my life when I was older. Sharing more holidays, talk about kids, looking back on old pictures, etc...The same for him being integrated in MY groups of friends. It's unfair that I lost such a big amount of people all at once.

I didn't realize back then, the level of importance it takes in a relationship. Weather you like it or not, if you want to be in a relationship or to marry that person you are also in a relationship with his friends, his parents, his life, his job, even his country. It's a huge part of it. I have been thinking (in my imaginary and exaggerated way of foreshadowing my life..which of course has been fruitless so far) on how I would want HIS FRIENDS to be like. Welcoming, fun, easy-going, doing sports, sharing interests who knows, going out, doing fun stuff at the weekends, etc...Almost as demanding as I would envision my ideal person (or minimum-requisites-person) to be like.


Dreaming is Ok-ish, as long as you're aware of how far-fetched and unrealistic your dreams are (mine are) and you start living a little bit more. I wonder sometimes, but then I push all those ideas and feelings aside to live in the reality.

Basics 101

I like romance...I dream and delight on having butterflies in my stomach for someone...knees shaking when I see that someone...voice trembling...not knowing what to say, thinking about a million little things that I do want to say, thinking about nothing at all and just stand there stupidly grinning..the feeling of falling asleep happy, knowing that tomorrow that person will be there. I like that. I crave that.

I strongly believe we are meant to have a shared life. Life is meant to be shared! What's the point in going through the happy and sad times, travel, going through the hard parts, the boring parts, embark in new adventures, new challenges in at the end of the day you cannot share them?

I also believe that we (this applies mostly to me) that we are our better selves when we are loving someone. It's not about wanting to impress the other party, it has nothing to do with it. It's about wanting to give the best of you to someone else. We also tend to fall in love with someone that is (or we think is) either better than us or that completes us. This way we can learn and see and have close contact to something that we are not but we aspire to, that motivates us and drives us to be ourselves better. I firmly stand by this notion of love.

There's also more than a million other things about love and life and romance, but for me this is the basics 101.  

Coffee

I didn't want to go. It was a really bad time for me and the thought of having to entertain people, being happy, engaging in social activities, having mundane conversations and be the one to actually start it was very difficult. The sightseeing part was ok, or let's say, I didn't mind. But I didn't really want to go. I even thought about making some excuse but it was for work and I couldn't skip it obviously.

Then something happened. He asked me out for coffee.

I guess it's true than when you're not desperately looking for things they come, unannounced, gently, magically. There was just such strong connection...legs shaking..butterflies...that allied with the fact that there was an ending date made it so much more intense and more screw it, I need this. I let go and I did not and do not regret it. I've never been a confident person, with that much self-security, especially when one month earlier someone tells you, you are not attractive to them any more. Not a nice thing to hear...ever...and the problem is that, that sound is recorded permanently in your memory.

But that coffee made such an ego boost when I was so down. I didn't remember what it was like to get asked on a date again, the butterflies..it felt nice and it gave me hope. It was only supposed to be that at that location on those dates. But it was something more, his gentleness, we connected so much and amazingly we wanted the same things. There were even plans but someone else came in the picture...an easier person which made me step aside. Somehow I knew it was too good to be true. Wrong timing I guess...back luck for me. I am desperately hanging on although I know I shouldn't and I won't. I cannot be selfish to the point of wishing it will fall apart and coffee will come back to me. I can't hold on to it, I know that. It's not the movies. Everyone leaves and carries on with their lives, I don't get to be the chosen one and it's ok for now. It was good while it lasted, too good to become real and true. I was lucky to have it even for a brief period of time.

So, let's see. Back to binge-watching late night series.

Rock bottom

I haven't written in a while not because I didn't want to...I did...but a lot has happened and I haven't been able to fully process everything. Or I haven't been able to get over everything, I think I wished that in that short period of time I would be able to get over some stuff, clearly I was wrong. I hear a lot that time is needed to heal the wounds, give it time, it's too soon to be okay, you need to first be you again, be happy by yourself, and let yourself be happy so that others can come in. I wish I was faster in the healing process, I think I was faster in the past, but the circumstances were really different now that I think about it. There is a lot of 'oh how I wish things would be' these days.

First things first...he left. I was out of town for almost a week and in that period of time he packed all of his stuff. I came home that Friday to an empty closet and bags laying in the spare room. It..hurt...I had experienced it before but somehow I was caught off guard again of how deeply and how much it hurt. Some days later he left (forever) with the bags...empty spare room, empty house, empty everything. The loneliness and despair started to kick in again. He didn't even want to say goodbye. Now actually I don't remember which was the last time we saw each other...not that it matters. It shouldn't matter and I shouldn't remember it..the last time of each stuff. That blow of him being gone was somehow, in the following days, a little dimmed due to that trip out of town. I thought that that first month of the breakup was the bottom rock for me, I lost weight, I didn't go out much nor wanted to be with people, social events were hard. Really hard. I had absolutely no interest in dwelving in mundane every-day topics. It always feel like the world was ending so no, I did not want to talk about the gym or GOT.

Then it got a little bit better. The fact that he was not here and I didn't have to share him with my friends made it less terrible. Weeks seem endless now...I only have work and then gym, it's hard to fight the numbness of things if nothing interesting is happening in your life. No real motivation any more. I guess I kind of needed/need that in order that my days seem a little more hopeful, happy and exciting about the future. Now it's just one day after the other. I overcompensate during the weekends, then I am most of the time out, brunch, lunch, dinners, going to parks, going to the canal, drinking cocktails in the sun, reading somewhere, etc. I still come home feeling lonely. That is unlikely to change in the foreseeable future I guess.

A friend told me that I haven't been to the bottom yet. I have good days and bad days. Mostly good/ok days now and less bad days. I guess I desperately want a sign or someone to appear that would make me have hope again but I fear that that would take some time. And in that time I don't really know what to do to make it better.

The need to vilify him

Not verbally or in written form though, just to think it. There's the whole having friends in common so trash talking him in from of my (our) friends is something I don't normally do because 1. It's not fair to make people chose your side 2. It's stupid.

I was able to move on quite Ok and fast from my ex because the relationship was not good, plain and simple. He did not bring out the best in me and he had plenty of severe flaws in his character which I genuinely hated. I don't know why I endured it so long, maybe I was trying to prove everyone else something or I was too coward to end it. Some months before the end I truly looked at him and thought to myself....I do not want you to father my children nor do I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That's why it was fairly easy to let go (although there was a grieving period as well). A huge weight came out of my shoulders.

But this one...it's destroying me to the point where I keep asking myself one month later if I will ever 1. love someone so much again 2."find someone that deserves me, who will love me as much and want all the same things as I want" as my friends keep calling it 3. will I ever be Ok?

Upon a breakup there's the Dumper and the Dumpee (me). If it's not something that mutually derails the feelings from one part are very different from the other part. The Dumper starts to feel all the negative bad stuff way earlier, his traffic lights start to emit flashing red lights way sooner, and all the bad things of the other person is magnified to the point that the Dumper accumulates all the bad stuff, the flaws, all the little things that he hates and cannot live with, the stuff that makes him say I do not want to be with you any more, I don't love you any more. For the Dumpee the breakup comes and in the beginning you didn't really see it coming, you can't believe it's happening, there are a few moments in which you actually ask if you don't want to work things out believing it's not time to throw in the towel yet. But then it does..

There is this notion and feeling that he was the one...we had so much magic and chemistry when we started seeing each other, he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with..he was perfect for me (of course with some workable issues) but that was it...hey I found happiness, can I keep it like this forever? I don't have to look anymore...
But upon a breakup you must break this cycle of his perfectness. Otherwise you'll never be able to actually move on...you'll fall in love again with someone for sure, or most likely, but you'll always compare to this one seemingly perfect guy.

He was the kind of person that brights up a room when he enters and he was the kind of person everyone likes. He was that likeable guy for everyone, every time, super popular, super relatable, super great. You could only start to see the flaws if you reeeeaaally got to know him better through time. Finding huge flaws in him is not easy actually.
He was always the good samaritan trying to please everyone at the same time, but in that process he somewhat forgot about what I wanted and I felt neglected by it. I always felt a fear within him to compromise, to settle down, he never expressed desire in marrying and kids were always way way down the road. I knew about his past with his exes and he acknowledged himself that he never wanted to compromise and assume anything (as it was always temporary). He knew I wanted it (the kids part, not exactly the super flashy marriage party). The being super relaxed about everything might be a huge plus for some people but he sometimes took it to the extreme, being in decision-making ability or being simply so laid back to the point I was the one to force him out of it. Some ideas, especially ones related to travel places somewhat always sounded better for him if they come from someone else, if I said them they would be ok, let's see, if some other friend said the exact same awesome place to visit, it turned out to be super amazing that my friend said and we should definitely go (despite me having said it one week before). Neglected. I also felt I was not good enough, because I didn't wanna do the same things as him, that I didn't want to go out that night, or just stay in bed doing nothing the morning after. It made me feel bad because I didn't have the same wishes as him or wanted to do the stuff he likes to do. My biggest flaw (bad communication which I am working on) does not coincide with his big flaw of pretending everything is Ok. If I feel and he shows everything is Ok why would I wanna talk about non existing issues?..Time bomb in the making....

There is this need to convince yourself that you not being together was the right thing and you were not meant to be together, what was once beautiful and magic and filled only with love is not enough any more.
I wish I could say it was a relationship with more bad than good but it was not. It had more good than bad and that's why it's so hard to vilify him. But I kind of have to. It's part of the process of letting go.

The first day you didn't cry

I realised that Sunday (the day before yesterday) was the first day I didn't cry. I think that only happened because I was entertained the whole day, had a workshop from 10 to 5, then dinner with work colleagues. Came home after 22.30 so there wasn't much alone time.

However that didn't last long since yesterday I was with him, we talked, and now all of those harsh and heartbreaking and I-don't-see-the-end-of-the-tunnel feelings are coming back again.

Also yesterday was the day that GOT premiered. I've said here before that all couples have their little things, the things that are shared between the two, movies, series, places, breakfasts, bands, songs, brunches, specific details that belong to the relationship. Well we started watching GOT when we started dating, it was our top series to watch together and even when we were living a long distance relationship we watched it more or less at the same time so we could then talk about the amazing and unexpected things that happened. It was our thing. Now I have no one to share it with. The emptiness is heartbreaking.

It's been a long, hard and empty month. I hope I can have more days where I don't cry.

The first day you realise you are going to be OK!

Day 20..something..and it hasn't happened yet..

Not a day has gone by that I haven't cried, sometimes full out crying, sometimes just some tears (enough to still not being able to going back to using my daily make up). Either being in the morning in my solitary breakfast-getting-ready-to-work routine, during some random chat in FB or gmail with someone, during lunch time where I force myself to eat and be distracted, during my commute to german lessons (which are thankfully occupying most of my work nights now), or worse of all, when lying in my king-size bed with 3 pillows..that's still the hardest moment, end of another day, browsing some superficial websites, instagram filled with happy people, looking at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep.

I know this day will come. The day that I'll finally feel I'll be OK, the day I'll start believing and hoping that all of those things I wished for might indeed come true someday. The day you no longer cry, the day you can actually talk to people about it without breaking down and without any voice trembling...the day you can wear make up all day without it being ruined. The day that you know this is in your past and you are going to be OK.

That day hasn't come yet..

120 characters are easy!

I miss him...a lot...I miss us...our cute sms texts, our private jokes..our unlimited private jokes built in more than 4 years together, his sweetness in asking if I needed anything from the supermarket, our plans, our adventures to happen in the next trip, our "let's order take out and watch a movie cause I'm too lazy", our 1h long baths while enjoying some nice music...

Do not drunk-text-him I keep telling myself. I miss the daily stuff, it's only natural...everything is so recent and fresh...but drunk-texting him (even if it's during broad daylight on a regular Tuesday with no alcohol) will not do us any good. There's no possible good that ever comes out of a drunken-text. Period!

It won't delete any of all the things that we not working out, certainly a 120-character text will not magically solve any of those issues and most importantly it will just add pain of top of the already huge pile of daily-pain.

Of course I miss him, and I hope he misses me too but the plain truth is that it just won't do any good and it keeps us from moving forward (however improbable and unwanted this moving-forward means).

Mostly you gotta keep your shit together and not be weak, I keep telling myself. Drunk-texting him is easy, sure! But 120 characters aren't helping anything or anyone.

One singular "you"

I've been reflecting on my past relationships and I have come to the sad outcome that I don't think I am a person who "likes" to be alone, as in not-in-a-relationship.

I read a lot of blogs, articles, news, etc. I like to be informed about the news and what's happening in the world in general terms, but I also like visiting blogs, reading articles about life, expectations, relationships, 7 tips or tricks to this and that, How To's, etc. Unfortunately I digress sometimes of too much information (short attention span), but I enjoy reading a lot of stuff.

One of the most common notions out there is that you should (upon a broken relationship) reflect on what has passed of course but also and after, value yourself. You are your own person, with his/her own personality, wishes, flaws and qualities, with goals towards his/her life and you should be strong. No one is perfect, not you, not your former partner, shit happens for various reasons...sometimes your fault, sometimes his fault, sometimes the cycle of life...But you shouldn't lose the power to value yourself. You are young and beautiful like no one else. Upon unfortunate circumstances of the heart you should and must regain the ability of feeling comfortable by yourself. Re-learn how to be alone and enjoy it. And only when you regain the pleasure of being just you with your thoughts and feelings you are able to enjoy being with others, with life outside and can re-start again.

Sadly, I can recount with the fingers of my hand the little time I've been alone in the last 12 years or so. It's all been pretty much consecutive...maybe an interval of 3 months more or less. I don't think I am proud of that but hey at least they were experiences and I took valuable lessons from it all. I move on (moved on) very quickly mostly because 1. somehow a new person appeared, I let myself fall head over heals instantly and I did not back away 2. I did not enjoy being alone.

Unfortunately..and I know I am wrong here but I think I am my best self when I'm giving myself to someone else. I know it's wrong and stupid and I shouldn't think like this but it works for me. It's true. Considering that I have very low self esteem, am a generally pessimistic/realistic person, normal/average looking, don't have this extraordinary life with amazing achievements, introvert, not really being ambition-driven person, I try to be a better person when I feel loved, when I feel desired and wanted in all of my normalness. Because then I have a drive, a motivation, plans, wishes, I want to impress them, it's not putting a whole new persona instead of being me, it's discovering, learning, adapting and evolving together, getting the best of me with the best of the person you love being with.

So for me being alone is pretty weird...I don't enjoy it. Even if you are surrounded with friends for me I feel there is something missing. Again...it's wrong and stupid and it shouldn't be like this.

This weirdness of being alone is mostly due to the conflict of being you-in-a-relationship and you-yourself. When it's over there's the part of dissociation of two people into one. The songs you both liked, the bands you enjoyed listening to, the hobbies together, the brunches together, the trips together, the "your places", your weekend routines, your common friends, every common little thing which belonged to the both of you. You keep remembering all of this that happened as a couple, everything reminds you of him and the way you were together and now it's...just...you. And with it comes the paralyzing and excruciating feeling of being your normal/average/boring you again. 

Synchronism

Yesterday I was thinking about the magic of synchronism, which is great, and the lack thereof, which is terrible.

I've been in this game for many years, I can't really remember the first time I actually fell in love but I remember my first kiss which is close enough. I was 13 and it was in a cliff under a magic moonlight, reflected in the sea. It was during some summer holidays with my parents and we bonded over some volleyball games at the pool and some intense eye-staring. Lovely. I was 13....I can't believe I'm saying this but it was almost 20 years ago. 20 years. Wow. I will repeat..20 years!!! 20 years that I have been at the falling-in-love-dating-game. You'd think that it was about time to get it right.

20 years of meeting someone, falling in love, does he like me as well? going out, talking about your past, his past, deciding which movies to go to, expect him to be nothing like your ex, spending 15mn deciding which restaurant to go to because you don't like sushi and he can't eat pasta, talking all the time about everything, that terrible feeling of meeting the friends and knowing you'll be judged from top to bottom, counting the hours and the minutes to be together again, enduring him being late or preferring to hang out with the buddies next Friday, brunching, getting used to his and mine pet peeves, having so many butterflies in your stomach, omg the sex...waking up together, having a fuss because you are so uptight and he doesn't put the toilet seat down, being genuinely happy, planing holidays together, weekend getaways, the dreadful and exciting moment of meeting the parents and knowing you cannot make one wrong move or you'll be forever hated, and then somewhere somehow someone fucks it up big time or it's simple not good enough and you go different ways. What was once a common happy sunny highway is now a bitter dreadful road that splits in two. Even if you wanted it or not, everything sucks, you're left with the memories, the what-could-have and you have to clean up all the pieces on the floor. And you have to start all over again....

The older you get the harder it becomes...the starting over. You have more emotional baggage and you've been through this process so many times...when it was once fun to talk about who you are, your past, where you want to go, now this presentation routine is shortened every time it gets repeated. Do I really have to go through it again? It's more about, do I really have to get all the way up there, and be positive, motivated and literally put 100% of myself out there and do this again just to have my heart broken one more time? How many times can It be broken?

Relationships are hard. Long relationships with a lot of history are even harder. I look around me to my friend-couples and some are Ok, some are pretty good, some are far from great but they manage to get through. Apparently for me, the amount of starts that need to be perfectly aligned is so high that it gets really hard to be synchronized with someone else. I look around at my friends and this synchronism is really complex. One of the parts is unemployed, or lives in a different country, or their financial situation is far from desired, one is perfectly fulfilled with his job while the other doesn't really see a future in his/her career in that place, there are problems back home, sooooo many problems that keep you moving forward, someone is not prepared to move forward, or move in, or to really give your heart out and commit, someone doesn't want the same things...it's hard. Some of my friends have magically synchronized..married, had babies, or simply didn't commit at all (totally fine) but know that THAT is THE person they want forever and make it there. I'm genuinely happy for them but increasingly frustrated at my own circumstances.

20 years of this and I'm not synchronized "yet"..I feel terrible, heartbroken and just exhausted...

The weight of silence and loneliness

I don't feel so great. These past days I have been waking up alone, having breakfast alone, leaving the house and going to work alone, coming back home alone, cooking and having dinner alone, binge-watching series alone..usually 4 episodes per night just so that the house has some incoming noise and I don't feel the overwhelming weight of silence, then doing the going-to-bed-ritual-alone and falling asleep alone..usually half an hour or 40mn later. 1,80m wide bed just for me...

The first hardest part is that I don't "talk with my someone" anymore during the day or night. About the random stuff we did during the day, how was work, talk about what happened in the news, enjoy cooking together, listening to music together, a new song or band that came up, binge-watching our series, complain on how fat we both are and that we definitely should run more, talk about that video we saw and some crazy stuff that the Portuguese government pulled off this time. I miss this daily random stuff to talk about.

The second hardest part is waking up alone and going to sleep alone.
It's really hard to wake up. We had the tradition of the first person that makes it to the kitchen does the breakfast for the both of us. It was a nice romantic gesture that turned into a daily habit but one that you appreciate. Of course, I was the one waking up first most of the times because you were soooo lazy but I enjoyed it anyway. You did it for me during weekends. It was our thing. It also sucks going to work everyday. Not exactly work itself but the (short) commuting in the morning. It is during this time that my body and mind adjust to the new reality. To know that I must go through another empty day..
It's really really hard to fall asleep alone. To fall asleep with that security I once had of knowing that tomorrow would be a new day with you by my side, new plans, new adventures, good stuff to look forward to, oh look at that it's almost weekend! What shall we do this time? Now I fall asleep knowing that tomorrow I have to endure the loneliness again and there isn't much (right now) to look forward to. It's fucking hard.

The not so obvious truth

Everyone keeps telling me that I should move on with my life, start over, enjoy the city, spend time with my friends, watch series and movies, go to the gym, go to birthday parties and so on. That I should not isolate...even though It's what I want for the time being. That we are not meant to be together and the so called future together I had in mind is not going to happen. Why would it considering the fact that it's one sided? Why would I want to stay with a person like that? That I should pick up the pieces, life is not over and something good will come out of it..eventually.. when all the dust settles. That I am wonderful and should value myself. That he does not deserve anything right now let alone me. Soon the weather will be great and the pools are waiting for us.

Why does everyone say that? Was it that obvious that this was not going to work? Have I been so blind? Or are they simply being the best friends I could have and are lifting up my broken pieces? I fear both.

Outside pressure vs inside pressure

I have a close group of friends back home who I've known for more than ten years! They are my core! I may not have the closest relationship with them now, being more than 2000km away, but I try to keep up, and of course, whenever I'm back home it doesn't feel like months have passed by. It just feels like when we all went for lunch in the Uni's canteen again.

More specifically they are 4 couples, of course, even more specifically they are 4 friends with their corresponding loved ones. Half of them married with babies, the other half is going there. His core group friend is a bit bigger, 9 couples out of which more than half are married (2 with babies), the other ones are together for a long time and there's 3 singles.

It's quite normal to feel the pressure..everyone is around their 30's..you start to have at least 2 weddings per year..(hopefully one wedding per group so that you can use the same dress!!) Also the pressure from the family side starts building up (being you know, the eldest of my generation I should be the first one to do all those things your parents did and you are supposed to do to and the bla bla bla thing all over again). Dealing with the outside pressure is no biggie in reality. You learn how to shrug it off, and you start to not make a big deal out of it. You start to make jokes with your loved one when you happen to get the bouquet at the latest wedding. You don't really see a "sign" that something is definitely going to happen in the near future. What's so special about grabbing some flowers mid-air anyways? You can go to your flower shop down the street, bring them home and do exactly the same. Did unicorns appear? Did pigs fly? No....You shrug it off at dinner parties when someone (usually the married babied ones) say something like:
"Hey, so, when are you two getting together?" or
"So, now who is (insert baby name here) going to play with?"
"You better start making those babies soon, you're (insert your age), better start thinking about it!"
Like I said before you don't really put much into it and whenever it comes you put your bulletproof shield into action. Hell, you even start to have your roll of funny answers or witty comebacks.

The problem is you. Your inner pressure to make your wishes, your dreams and plans come true. It's terrible. The expectations..boy, they just come tumbling down like a house of cards. And the amount of disappointment to oneself is almost unbearable.

Of course your dreams will be accomplished in your 30's

...or will they?

I've always had an internal pressure about making plans. It only seems logical, if you have dreams and establish goals for your life how do you start? You more or less (depending on how OCD-ish you are) plan it! It can be a 10-year-plan or goal, 5-year, 3-year or less. Depends on the type or person you are and/or how badly you want it. You may not even have a plan or plan for the tomorrow but you have a goal, a vision, a wish..things such as..I would like to go to Australia...I have a really cool job, I want to grow and be promoted to x-position in some time..I imagine myself with 2 kids...I wanna live in another area of this city, closer to the river or something...in some years I would like to move to another country to broaden my horizons..the kind of things you wish upon when blowing the candles in your birthday cake (or someone elses' birthday cake...who knows...maybe the wishes might be granted as well, they say there's always room for one more right?).

 I've never been very ambitious work-wise, at least in the beginning, I was very young, didn't have the beginning it is expected of one person so I kind of went with the flow. But there was something about the 30's. Probably from the internal pressure on myself and the wonderful outside pressure of my family. Come one, I am the oldest of my cousins, from my generation I felt like I had to set the example...of course you have to get a job, husband, house, kids....Christmas dinners were always fun.

Of course (cliché-moment-incoming)..every girl dreams and wishes to be loved and love and return. Have a family..be successful, be happy, spend the rest of your life with someone. I wanted that. Sure! Send them in!

Turns out the 30's only mark the beginning of your body getting slower, you are not as flexible as you were in ballet classes, you most definitely not be able to touch your toes anymore, you need the whole weekend to cure that bloody awful hangover from Friday night (oh tequilla) and you most definitely need to run further and fastest in order to lose those the same calories from that chocolate Milka Oreo bar. Fun fun fun...

From some time in my 28's or something, I though, I always wanted the things to happen in the now..but they never came. Dammit, they should happen soon right? They are happening for everyone else..any minute now..but I had to wait, I always had to wait and it was not fair. What was I doing wrong? I am being patient and careful, baby steps here and there...and yet I always felt like I was behind in the time frame I had set for myself. In my 32's and a half (hey 33's!!) I am back at the beginning of the time frame. Freeking great! Maybe the third time over the rainbow is the charm?

The end..or the begining..or the begining of the end..or the end of a another begining

I don't really do "talking"...I'm not one of those people who "talks" about her "feelings"...not frequently nor vocally at least...only when I am dissatisfied and I can't fake it anymore and I do have to. Shit, I don't even have a good or great relationship with my parents, never have, it was never one of those relationships where we talk about stuff, or problems, or issues, fears and hopes. I've noticed that my friends here in this city talk and skype their parents all the time, once a week at least and they have a pretty good relationship with them (or so it seems). I can't remember the last time I skyped mine..I did call my dad on Father's day. That's something. This distant feeling of mine with my immediate family comes mainly from not having a good relationship with my mother (which is another story....raise your hand if you're messed up \o/ o/).

I am not great right now...far from it...we all wish we were but life has a way of sending you some shit truck just around the corner at 100km/h and suddenly shit hits the fan and we are far from great.

I write because I know the drill, my drill...I cry like a Magdalena. When something really hits me I cannot talk about it at the beginning, I simply can't from all the sobbing. I don't even know where this expression comes from. From when Magdalena cried and cried and the feet of Jesus Christ regretting to have sold herself to other men? The regretting part remains to assess.

Writing is much easier for the time being. Everyone keeps saying not to isolate and whatnot. I know everyone is trying but fuck it..I DO NEED to isolate! Whenever I open the window the sun is shining (spring has finally sprung), birds are singing, you see the cutest flowers blooming, trees filled with color...spring is that time of the year when happiness comes again, after being some months hibernating at home, watching 27 different series in Netflix, all the oscar movies, staying at home with the heater on, staying in bed for a few more hours because why would you go out? There is nothing to do in the cold anyways. Well, happiness (in the form of a yearly season) has come, whenever you open the window...puff, happiness slaps you right in the face. Well..but no. I just want to close the window to the outside, literally, figuratively and vocally. That's the drill.