The need to vilify him

Not verbally or in written form though, just to think it. There's the whole having friends in common so trash talking him in from of my (our) friends is something I don't normally do because 1. It's not fair to make people chose your side 2. It's stupid.

I was able to move on quite Ok and fast from my ex because the relationship was not good, plain and simple. He did not bring out the best in me and he had plenty of severe flaws in his character which I genuinely hated. I don't know why I endured it so long, maybe I was trying to prove everyone else something or I was too coward to end it. Some months before the end I truly looked at him and thought to myself....I do not want you to father my children nor do I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That's why it was fairly easy to let go (although there was a grieving period as well). A huge weight came out of my shoulders.

But this one...it's destroying me to the point where I keep asking myself one month later if I will ever 1. love someone so much again 2."find someone that deserves me, who will love me as much and want all the same things as I want" as my friends keep calling it 3. will I ever be Ok?

Upon a breakup there's the Dumper and the Dumpee (me). If it's not something that mutually derails the feelings from one part are very different from the other part. The Dumper starts to feel all the negative bad stuff way earlier, his traffic lights start to emit flashing red lights way sooner, and all the bad things of the other person is magnified to the point that the Dumper accumulates all the bad stuff, the flaws, all the little things that he hates and cannot live with, the stuff that makes him say I do not want to be with you any more, I don't love you any more. For the Dumpee the breakup comes and in the beginning you didn't really see it coming, you can't believe it's happening, there are a few moments in which you actually ask if you don't want to work things out believing it's not time to throw in the towel yet. But then it does..

There is this notion and feeling that he was the one...we had so much magic and chemistry when we started seeing each other, he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with..he was perfect for me (of course with some workable issues) but that was it...hey I found happiness, can I keep it like this forever? I don't have to look anymore...
But upon a breakup you must break this cycle of his perfectness. Otherwise you'll never be able to actually move on...you'll fall in love again with someone for sure, or most likely, but you'll always compare to this one seemingly perfect guy.

He was the kind of person that brights up a room when he enters and he was the kind of person everyone likes. He was that likeable guy for everyone, every time, super popular, super relatable, super great. You could only start to see the flaws if you reeeeaaally got to know him better through time. Finding huge flaws in him is not easy actually.
He was always the good samaritan trying to please everyone at the same time, but in that process he somewhat forgot about what I wanted and I felt neglected by it. I always felt a fear within him to compromise, to settle down, he never expressed desire in marrying and kids were always way way down the road. I knew about his past with his exes and he acknowledged himself that he never wanted to compromise and assume anything (as it was always temporary). He knew I wanted it (the kids part, not exactly the super flashy marriage party). The being super relaxed about everything might be a huge plus for some people but he sometimes took it to the extreme, being in decision-making ability or being simply so laid back to the point I was the one to force him out of it. Some ideas, especially ones related to travel places somewhat always sounded better for him if they come from someone else, if I said them they would be ok, let's see, if some other friend said the exact same awesome place to visit, it turned out to be super amazing that my friend said and we should definitely go (despite me having said it one week before). Neglected. I also felt I was not good enough, because I didn't wanna do the same things as him, that I didn't want to go out that night, or just stay in bed doing nothing the morning after. It made me feel bad because I didn't have the same wishes as him or wanted to do the stuff he likes to do. My biggest flaw (bad communication which I am working on) does not coincide with his big flaw of pretending everything is Ok. If I feel and he shows everything is Ok why would I wanna talk about non existing issues?..Time bomb in the making....

There is this need to convince yourself that you not being together was the right thing and you were not meant to be together, what was once beautiful and magic and filled only with love is not enough any more.
I wish I could say it was a relationship with more bad than good but it was not. It had more good than bad and that's why it's so hard to vilify him. But I kind of have to. It's part of the process of letting go.

The first day you didn't cry

I realised that Sunday (the day before yesterday) was the first day I didn't cry. I think that only happened because I was entertained the whole day, had a workshop from 10 to 5, then dinner with work colleagues. Came home after 22.30 so there wasn't much alone time.

However that didn't last long since yesterday I was with him, we talked, and now all of those harsh and heartbreaking and I-don't-see-the-end-of-the-tunnel feelings are coming back again.

Also yesterday was the day that GOT premiered. I've said here before that all couples have their little things, the things that are shared between the two, movies, series, places, breakfasts, bands, songs, brunches, specific details that belong to the relationship. Well we started watching GOT when we started dating, it was our top series to watch together and even when we were living a long distance relationship we watched it more or less at the same time so we could then talk about the amazing and unexpected things that happened. It was our thing. Now I have no one to share it with. The emptiness is heartbreaking.

It's been a long, hard and empty month. I hope I can have more days where I don't cry.

The first day you realise you are going to be OK!

Day 20..something..and it hasn't happened yet..

Not a day has gone by that I haven't cried, sometimes full out crying, sometimes just some tears (enough to still not being able to going back to using my daily make up). Either being in the morning in my solitary breakfast-getting-ready-to-work routine, during some random chat in FB or gmail with someone, during lunch time where I force myself to eat and be distracted, during my commute to german lessons (which are thankfully occupying most of my work nights now), or worse of all, when lying in my king-size bed with 3 pillows..that's still the hardest moment, end of another day, browsing some superficial websites, instagram filled with happy people, looking at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep.

I know this day will come. The day that I'll finally feel I'll be OK, the day I'll start believing and hoping that all of those things I wished for might indeed come true someday. The day you no longer cry, the day you can actually talk to people about it without breaking down and without any voice trembling...the day you can wear make up all day without it being ruined. The day that you know this is in your past and you are going to be OK.

That day hasn't come yet..

120 characters are easy!

I miss him...a lot...I miss us...our cute sms texts, our private jokes..our unlimited private jokes built in more than 4 years together, his sweetness in asking if I needed anything from the supermarket, our plans, our adventures to happen in the next trip, our "let's order take out and watch a movie cause I'm too lazy", our 1h long baths while enjoying some nice music...

Do not drunk-text-him I keep telling myself. I miss the daily stuff, it's only natural...everything is so recent and fresh...but drunk-texting him (even if it's during broad daylight on a regular Tuesday with no alcohol) will not do us any good. There's no possible good that ever comes out of a drunken-text. Period!

It won't delete any of all the things that we not working out, certainly a 120-character text will not magically solve any of those issues and most importantly it will just add pain of top of the already huge pile of daily-pain.

Of course I miss him, and I hope he misses me too but the plain truth is that it just won't do any good and it keeps us from moving forward (however improbable and unwanted this moving-forward means).

Mostly you gotta keep your shit together and not be weak, I keep telling myself. Drunk-texting him is easy, sure! But 120 characters aren't helping anything or anyone.

One singular "you"

I've been reflecting on my past relationships and I have come to the sad outcome that I don't think I am a person who "likes" to be alone, as in not-in-a-relationship.

I read a lot of blogs, articles, news, etc. I like to be informed about the news and what's happening in the world in general terms, but I also like visiting blogs, reading articles about life, expectations, relationships, 7 tips or tricks to this and that, How To's, etc. Unfortunately I digress sometimes of too much information (short attention span), but I enjoy reading a lot of stuff.

One of the most common notions out there is that you should (upon a broken relationship) reflect on what has passed of course but also and after, value yourself. You are your own person, with his/her own personality, wishes, flaws and qualities, with goals towards his/her life and you should be strong. No one is perfect, not you, not your former partner, shit happens for various reasons...sometimes your fault, sometimes his fault, sometimes the cycle of life...But you shouldn't lose the power to value yourself. You are young and beautiful like no one else. Upon unfortunate circumstances of the heart you should and must regain the ability of feeling comfortable by yourself. Re-learn how to be alone and enjoy it. And only when you regain the pleasure of being just you with your thoughts and feelings you are able to enjoy being with others, with life outside and can re-start again.

Sadly, I can recount with the fingers of my hand the little time I've been alone in the last 12 years or so. It's all been pretty much consecutive...maybe an interval of 3 months more or less. I don't think I am proud of that but hey at least they were experiences and I took valuable lessons from it all. I move on (moved on) very quickly mostly because 1. somehow a new person appeared, I let myself fall head over heals instantly and I did not back away 2. I did not enjoy being alone.

Unfortunately..and I know I am wrong here but I think I am my best self when I'm giving myself to someone else. I know it's wrong and stupid and I shouldn't think like this but it works for me. It's true. Considering that I have very low self esteem, am a generally pessimistic/realistic person, normal/average looking, don't have this extraordinary life with amazing achievements, introvert, not really being ambition-driven person, I try to be a better person when I feel loved, when I feel desired and wanted in all of my normalness. Because then I have a drive, a motivation, plans, wishes, I want to impress them, it's not putting a whole new persona instead of being me, it's discovering, learning, adapting and evolving together, getting the best of me with the best of the person you love being with.

So for me being alone is pretty weird...I don't enjoy it. Even if you are surrounded with friends for me I feel there is something missing. Again...it's wrong and stupid and it shouldn't be like this.

This weirdness of being alone is mostly due to the conflict of being you-in-a-relationship and you-yourself. When it's over there's the part of dissociation of two people into one. The songs you both liked, the bands you enjoyed listening to, the hobbies together, the brunches together, the trips together, the "your places", your weekend routines, your common friends, every common little thing which belonged to the both of you. You keep remembering all of this that happened as a couple, everything reminds you of him and the way you were together and now it's...just...you. And with it comes the paralyzing and excruciating feeling of being your normal/average/boring you again. 

Synchronism

Yesterday I was thinking about the magic of synchronism, which is great, and the lack thereof, which is terrible.

I've been in this game for many years, I can't really remember the first time I actually fell in love but I remember my first kiss which is close enough. I was 13 and it was in a cliff under a magic moonlight, reflected in the sea. It was during some summer holidays with my parents and we bonded over some volleyball games at the pool and some intense eye-staring. Lovely. I was 13....I can't believe I'm saying this but it was almost 20 years ago. 20 years. Wow. I will repeat..20 years!!! 20 years that I have been at the falling-in-love-dating-game. You'd think that it was about time to get it right.

20 years of meeting someone, falling in love, does he like me as well? going out, talking about your past, his past, deciding which movies to go to, expect him to be nothing like your ex, spending 15mn deciding which restaurant to go to because you don't like sushi and he can't eat pasta, talking all the time about everything, that terrible feeling of meeting the friends and knowing you'll be judged from top to bottom, counting the hours and the minutes to be together again, enduring him being late or preferring to hang out with the buddies next Friday, brunching, getting used to his and mine pet peeves, having so many butterflies in your stomach, omg the sex...waking up together, having a fuss because you are so uptight and he doesn't put the toilet seat down, being genuinely happy, planing holidays together, weekend getaways, the dreadful and exciting moment of meeting the parents and knowing you cannot make one wrong move or you'll be forever hated, and then somewhere somehow someone fucks it up big time or it's simple not good enough and you go different ways. What was once a common happy sunny highway is now a bitter dreadful road that splits in two. Even if you wanted it or not, everything sucks, you're left with the memories, the what-could-have and you have to clean up all the pieces on the floor. And you have to start all over again....

The older you get the harder it becomes...the starting over. You have more emotional baggage and you've been through this process so many times...when it was once fun to talk about who you are, your past, where you want to go, now this presentation routine is shortened every time it gets repeated. Do I really have to go through it again? It's more about, do I really have to get all the way up there, and be positive, motivated and literally put 100% of myself out there and do this again just to have my heart broken one more time? How many times can It be broken?

Relationships are hard. Long relationships with a lot of history are even harder. I look around me to my friend-couples and some are Ok, some are pretty good, some are far from great but they manage to get through. Apparently for me, the amount of starts that need to be perfectly aligned is so high that it gets really hard to be synchronized with someone else. I look around at my friends and this synchronism is really complex. One of the parts is unemployed, or lives in a different country, or their financial situation is far from desired, one is perfectly fulfilled with his job while the other doesn't really see a future in his/her career in that place, there are problems back home, sooooo many problems that keep you moving forward, someone is not prepared to move forward, or move in, or to really give your heart out and commit, someone doesn't want the same things...it's hard. Some of my friends have magically synchronized..married, had babies, or simply didn't commit at all (totally fine) but know that THAT is THE person they want forever and make it there. I'm genuinely happy for them but increasingly frustrated at my own circumstances.

20 years of this and I'm not synchronized "yet"..I feel terrible, heartbroken and just exhausted...

The weight of silence and loneliness

I don't feel so great. These past days I have been waking up alone, having breakfast alone, leaving the house and going to work alone, coming back home alone, cooking and having dinner alone, binge-watching series alone..usually 4 episodes per night just so that the house has some incoming noise and I don't feel the overwhelming weight of silence, then doing the going-to-bed-ritual-alone and falling asleep alone..usually half an hour or 40mn later. 1,80m wide bed just for me...

The first hardest part is that I don't "talk with my someone" anymore during the day or night. About the random stuff we did during the day, how was work, talk about what happened in the news, enjoy cooking together, listening to music together, a new song or band that came up, binge-watching our series, complain on how fat we both are and that we definitely should run more, talk about that video we saw and some crazy stuff that the Portuguese government pulled off this time. I miss this daily random stuff to talk about.

The second hardest part is waking up alone and going to sleep alone.
It's really hard to wake up. We had the tradition of the first person that makes it to the kitchen does the breakfast for the both of us. It was a nice romantic gesture that turned into a daily habit but one that you appreciate. Of course, I was the one waking up first most of the times because you were soooo lazy but I enjoyed it anyway. You did it for me during weekends. It was our thing. It also sucks going to work everyday. Not exactly work itself but the (short) commuting in the morning. It is during this time that my body and mind adjust to the new reality. To know that I must go through another empty day..
It's really really hard to fall asleep alone. To fall asleep with that security I once had of knowing that tomorrow would be a new day with you by my side, new plans, new adventures, good stuff to look forward to, oh look at that it's almost weekend! What shall we do this time? Now I fall asleep knowing that tomorrow I have to endure the loneliness again and there isn't much (right now) to look forward to. It's fucking hard.

The not so obvious truth

Everyone keeps telling me that I should move on with my life, start over, enjoy the city, spend time with my friends, watch series and movies, go to the gym, go to birthday parties and so on. That I should not isolate...even though It's what I want for the time being. That we are not meant to be together and the so called future together I had in mind is not going to happen. Why would it considering the fact that it's one sided? Why would I want to stay with a person like that? That I should pick up the pieces, life is not over and something good will come out of it..eventually.. when all the dust settles. That I am wonderful and should value myself. That he does not deserve anything right now let alone me. Soon the weather will be great and the pools are waiting for us.

Why does everyone say that? Was it that obvious that this was not going to work? Have I been so blind? Or are they simply being the best friends I could have and are lifting up my broken pieces? I fear both.

Outside pressure vs inside pressure

I have a close group of friends back home who I've known for more than ten years! They are my core! I may not have the closest relationship with them now, being more than 2000km away, but I try to keep up, and of course, whenever I'm back home it doesn't feel like months have passed by. It just feels like when we all went for lunch in the Uni's canteen again.

More specifically they are 4 couples, of course, even more specifically they are 4 friends with their corresponding loved ones. Half of them married with babies, the other half is going there. His core group friend is a bit bigger, 9 couples out of which more than half are married (2 with babies), the other ones are together for a long time and there's 3 singles.

It's quite normal to feel the pressure..everyone is around their 30's..you start to have at least 2 weddings per year..(hopefully one wedding per group so that you can use the same dress!!) Also the pressure from the family side starts building up (being you know, the eldest of my generation I should be the first one to do all those things your parents did and you are supposed to do to and the bla bla bla thing all over again). Dealing with the outside pressure is no biggie in reality. You learn how to shrug it off, and you start to not make a big deal out of it. You start to make jokes with your loved one when you happen to get the bouquet at the latest wedding. You don't really see a "sign" that something is definitely going to happen in the near future. What's so special about grabbing some flowers mid-air anyways? You can go to your flower shop down the street, bring them home and do exactly the same. Did unicorns appear? Did pigs fly? No....You shrug it off at dinner parties when someone (usually the married babied ones) say something like:
"Hey, so, when are you two getting together?" or
"So, now who is (insert baby name here) going to play with?"
"You better start making those babies soon, you're (insert your age), better start thinking about it!"
Like I said before you don't really put much into it and whenever it comes you put your bulletproof shield into action. Hell, you even start to have your roll of funny answers or witty comebacks.

The problem is you. Your inner pressure to make your wishes, your dreams and plans come true. It's terrible. The expectations..boy, they just come tumbling down like a house of cards. And the amount of disappointment to oneself is almost unbearable.

Of course your dreams will be accomplished in your 30's

...or will they?

I've always had an internal pressure about making plans. It only seems logical, if you have dreams and establish goals for your life how do you start? You more or less (depending on how OCD-ish you are) plan it! It can be a 10-year-plan or goal, 5-year, 3-year or less. Depends on the type or person you are and/or how badly you want it. You may not even have a plan or plan for the tomorrow but you have a goal, a vision, a wish..things such as..I would like to go to Australia...I have a really cool job, I want to grow and be promoted to x-position in some time..I imagine myself with 2 kids...I wanna live in another area of this city, closer to the river or something...in some years I would like to move to another country to broaden my horizons..the kind of things you wish upon when blowing the candles in your birthday cake (or someone elses' birthday cake...who knows...maybe the wishes might be granted as well, they say there's always room for one more right?).

 I've never been very ambitious work-wise, at least in the beginning, I was very young, didn't have the beginning it is expected of one person so I kind of went with the flow. But there was something about the 30's. Probably from the internal pressure on myself and the wonderful outside pressure of my family. Come one, I am the oldest of my cousins, from my generation I felt like I had to set the example...of course you have to get a job, husband, house, kids....Christmas dinners were always fun.

Of course (cliché-moment-incoming)..every girl dreams and wishes to be loved and love and return. Have a family..be successful, be happy, spend the rest of your life with someone. I wanted that. Sure! Send them in!

Turns out the 30's only mark the beginning of your body getting slower, you are not as flexible as you were in ballet classes, you most definitely not be able to touch your toes anymore, you need the whole weekend to cure that bloody awful hangover from Friday night (oh tequilla) and you most definitely need to run further and fastest in order to lose those the same calories from that chocolate Milka Oreo bar. Fun fun fun...

From some time in my 28's or something, I though, I always wanted the things to happen in the now..but they never came. Dammit, they should happen soon right? They are happening for everyone else..any minute now..but I had to wait, I always had to wait and it was not fair. What was I doing wrong? I am being patient and careful, baby steps here and there...and yet I always felt like I was behind in the time frame I had set for myself. In my 32's and a half (hey 33's!!) I am back at the beginning of the time frame. Freeking great! Maybe the third time over the rainbow is the charm?

The end..or the begining..or the begining of the end..or the end of a another begining

I don't really do "talking"...I'm not one of those people who "talks" about her "feelings"...not frequently nor vocally at least...only when I am dissatisfied and I can't fake it anymore and I do have to. Shit, I don't even have a good or great relationship with my parents, never have, it was never one of those relationships where we talk about stuff, or problems, or issues, fears and hopes. I've noticed that my friends here in this city talk and skype their parents all the time, once a week at least and they have a pretty good relationship with them (or so it seems). I can't remember the last time I skyped mine..I did call my dad on Father's day. That's something. This distant feeling of mine with my immediate family comes mainly from not having a good relationship with my mother (which is another story....raise your hand if you're messed up \o/ o/).

I am not great right now...far from it...we all wish we were but life has a way of sending you some shit truck just around the corner at 100km/h and suddenly shit hits the fan and we are far from great.

I write because I know the drill, my drill...I cry like a Magdalena. When something really hits me I cannot talk about it at the beginning, I simply can't from all the sobbing. I don't even know where this expression comes from. From when Magdalena cried and cried and the feet of Jesus Christ regretting to have sold herself to other men? The regretting part remains to assess.

Writing is much easier for the time being. Everyone keeps saying not to isolate and whatnot. I know everyone is trying but fuck it..I DO NEED to isolate! Whenever I open the window the sun is shining (spring has finally sprung), birds are singing, you see the cutest flowers blooming, trees filled with color...spring is that time of the year when happiness comes again, after being some months hibernating at home, watching 27 different series in Netflix, all the oscar movies, staying at home with the heater on, staying in bed for a few more hours because why would you go out? There is nothing to do in the cold anyways. Well, happiness (in the form of a yearly season) has come, whenever you open the window...puff, happiness slaps you right in the face. Well..but no. I just want to close the window to the outside, literally, figuratively and vocally. That's the drill.