One singular "you"

I've been reflecting on my past relationships and I have come to the sad outcome that I don't think I am a person who "likes" to be alone, as in not-in-a-relationship.

I read a lot of blogs, articles, news, etc. I like to be informed about the news and what's happening in the world in general terms, but I also like visiting blogs, reading articles about life, expectations, relationships, 7 tips or tricks to this and that, How To's, etc. Unfortunately I digress sometimes of too much information (short attention span), but I enjoy reading a lot of stuff.

One of the most common notions out there is that you should (upon a broken relationship) reflect on what has passed of course but also and after, value yourself. You are your own person, with his/her own personality, wishes, flaws and qualities, with goals towards his/her life and you should be strong. No one is perfect, not you, not your former partner, shit happens for various reasons...sometimes your fault, sometimes his fault, sometimes the cycle of life...But you shouldn't lose the power to value yourself. You are young and beautiful like no one else. Upon unfortunate circumstances of the heart you should and must regain the ability of feeling comfortable by yourself. Re-learn how to be alone and enjoy it. And only when you regain the pleasure of being just you with your thoughts and feelings you are able to enjoy being with others, with life outside and can re-start again.

Sadly, I can recount with the fingers of my hand the little time I've been alone in the last 12 years or so. It's all been pretty much consecutive...maybe an interval of 3 months more or less. I don't think I am proud of that but hey at least they were experiences and I took valuable lessons from it all. I move on (moved on) very quickly mostly because 1. somehow a new person appeared, I let myself fall head over heals instantly and I did not back away 2. I did not enjoy being alone.

Unfortunately..and I know I am wrong here but I think I am my best self when I'm giving myself to someone else. I know it's wrong and stupid and I shouldn't think like this but it works for me. It's true. Considering that I have very low self esteem, am a generally pessimistic/realistic person, normal/average looking, don't have this extraordinary life with amazing achievements, introvert, not really being ambition-driven person, I try to be a better person when I feel loved, when I feel desired and wanted in all of my normalness. Because then I have a drive, a motivation, plans, wishes, I want to impress them, it's not putting a whole new persona instead of being me, it's discovering, learning, adapting and evolving together, getting the best of me with the best of the person you love being with.

So for me being alone is pretty weird...I don't enjoy it. Even if you are surrounded with friends for me I feel there is something missing. Again...it's wrong and stupid and it shouldn't be like this.

This weirdness of being alone is mostly due to the conflict of being you-in-a-relationship and you-yourself. When it's over there's the part of dissociation of two people into one. The songs you both liked, the bands you enjoyed listening to, the hobbies together, the brunches together, the trips together, the "your places", your weekend routines, your common friends, every common little thing which belonged to the both of you. You keep remembering all of this that happened as a couple, everything reminds you of him and the way you were together and now it's...just...you. And with it comes the paralyzing and excruciating feeling of being your normal/average/boring you again.