Rock bottom

I haven't written in a while not because I didn't want to...I did...but a lot has happened and I haven't been able to fully process everything. Or I haven't been able to get over everything, I think I wished that in that short period of time I would be able to get over some stuff, clearly I was wrong. I hear a lot that time is needed to heal the wounds, give it time, it's too soon to be okay, you need to first be you again, be happy by yourself, and let yourself be happy so that others can come in. I wish I was faster in the healing process, I think I was faster in the past, but the circumstances were really different now that I think about it. There is a lot of 'oh how I wish things would be' these days.

First things first...he left. I was out of town for almost a week and in that period of time he packed all of his stuff. I came home that Friday to an empty closet and bags laying in the spare room. It..hurt...I had experienced it before but somehow I was caught off guard again of how deeply and how much it hurt. Some days later he left (forever) with the bags...empty spare room, empty house, empty everything. The loneliness and despair started to kick in again. He didn't even want to say goodbye. Now actually I don't remember which was the last time we saw each other...not that it matters. It shouldn't matter and I shouldn't remember it..the last time of each stuff. That blow of him being gone was somehow, in the following days, a little dimmed due to that trip out of town. I thought that that first month of the breakup was the bottom rock for me, I lost weight, I didn't go out much nor wanted to be with people, social events were hard. Really hard. I had absolutely no interest in dwelving in mundane every-day topics. It always feel like the world was ending so no, I did not want to talk about the gym or GOT.

Then it got a little bit better. The fact that he was not here and I didn't have to share him with my friends made it less terrible. Weeks seem endless now...I only have work and then gym, it's hard to fight the numbness of things if nothing interesting is happening in your life. No real motivation any more. I guess I kind of needed/need that in order that my days seem a little more hopeful, happy and exciting about the future. Now it's just one day after the other. I overcompensate during the weekends, then I am most of the time out, brunch, lunch, dinners, going to parks, going to the canal, drinking cocktails in the sun, reading somewhere, etc. I still come home feeling lonely. That is unlikely to change in the foreseeable future I guess.

A friend told me that I haven't been to the bottom yet. I have good days and bad days. Mostly good/ok days now and less bad days. I guess I desperately want a sign or someone to appear that would make me have hope again but I fear that that would take some time. And in that time I don't really know what to do to make it better.