Synchronism

Yesterday I was thinking about the magic of synchronism, which is great, and the lack thereof, which is terrible.

I've been in this game for many years, I can't really remember the first time I actually fell in love but I remember my first kiss which is close enough. I was 13 and it was in a cliff under a magic moonlight, reflected in the sea. It was during some summer holidays with my parents and we bonded over some volleyball games at the pool and some intense eye-staring. Lovely. I was 13....I can't believe I'm saying this but it was almost 20 years ago. 20 years. Wow. I will repeat..20 years!!! 20 years that I have been at the falling-in-love-dating-game. You'd think that it was about time to get it right.

20 years of meeting someone, falling in love, does he like me as well? going out, talking about your past, his past, deciding which movies to go to, expect him to be nothing like your ex, spending 15mn deciding which restaurant to go to because you don't like sushi and he can't eat pasta, talking all the time about everything, that terrible feeling of meeting the friends and knowing you'll be judged from top to bottom, counting the hours and the minutes to be together again, enduring him being late or preferring to hang out with the buddies next Friday, brunching, getting used to his and mine pet peeves, having so many butterflies in your stomach, omg the sex...waking up together, having a fuss because you are so uptight and he doesn't put the toilet seat down, being genuinely happy, planing holidays together, weekend getaways, the dreadful and exciting moment of meeting the parents and knowing you cannot make one wrong move or you'll be forever hated, and then somewhere somehow someone fucks it up big time or it's simple not good enough and you go different ways. What was once a common happy sunny highway is now a bitter dreadful road that splits in two. Even if you wanted it or not, everything sucks, you're left with the memories, the what-could-have and you have to clean up all the pieces on the floor. And you have to start all over again....

The older you get the harder it becomes...the starting over. You have more emotional baggage and you've been through this process so many times...when it was once fun to talk about who you are, your past, where you want to go, now this presentation routine is shortened every time it gets repeated. Do I really have to go through it again? It's more about, do I really have to get all the way up there, and be positive, motivated and literally put 100% of myself out there and do this again just to have my heart broken one more time? How many times can It be broken?

Relationships are hard. Long relationships with a lot of history are even harder. I look around me to my friend-couples and some are Ok, some are pretty good, some are far from great but they manage to get through. Apparently for me, the amount of starts that need to be perfectly aligned is so high that it gets really hard to be synchronized with someone else. I look around at my friends and this synchronism is really complex. One of the parts is unemployed, or lives in a different country, or their financial situation is far from desired, one is perfectly fulfilled with his job while the other doesn't really see a future in his/her career in that place, there are problems back home, sooooo many problems that keep you moving forward, someone is not prepared to move forward, or move in, or to really give your heart out and commit, someone doesn't want the same things...it's hard. Some of my friends have magically synchronized..married, had babies, or simply didn't commit at all (totally fine) but know that THAT is THE person they want forever and make it there. I'm genuinely happy for them but increasingly frustrated at my own circumstances.

20 years of this and I'm not synchronized "yet"..I feel terrible, heartbroken and just exhausted...