I never really wanted thaaat bad a tattoo but lately I've thinking more and more about it. It has to have a meaning and I think I have found my meanings...plural
When I suffered my first heartbreak, or let's say given, although it was very hard for me as well due to certain circumstances at the moment, it was quite hard to bounce back. Somehow I was left alone, my friends were his friends, which meant they were no longer my own. I swore I wouldn't allow myself to disappear among the other person's group but I totally failed on my most recent experience. I guess I had already believed he was the last one, and these were going to be my people forever. The forever dream. I should have known better and I failed miserably. To my credit more than 10 years had passed, so I forgot that little life lesson. But I digress.
I got into surfing some time after and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Being out in the sea, alone, was mentally liberating. I was away from heartbreak, away from troubles at home, away from faculty stress, away from it all. It was just one wave after another. The good thing is that within this new hobby I was meeting new people, making new friends, making my group. The analogy was striking. Problems and issues come and go, they are here and then they go away, they always but always pass and fade away. Bad phases are followed by good ones, other bad phases in other areas come, sure, but they always pass by you and go away. You have to manage it, deal with it and believe they will always pass. I have tried really hard to keep this in mind since then, it makes perfect sense for me that I add this little reminder more permanently, so I can look at it every day and keep the focus whenever bad phases come.
The other "meaning" that I would like to remember more often is something that makes complete sense to me, me being a person that believes in love, forever love, completeness and the concept of this life and all the beautiful things it has to offer being meant to be enjoyed and shared with someone. I feel my most complete self and the best version of myself that I could possibly be when I am in love, when I admire and look up to my partner, when my partner motivates me and pulls me towards being better, less flawed, more aware, more understanding and loving towards everyone that surrounds us, when I feel secured, protected and loved and I can sleep without insomnia because I know that tomorrow he is still there and happiness is still here, when I can dream and want things, all the things in the world, and we want to discover more of the world, explore it together, explore the several steps of routine and how good that feels, breakfast in bed, dream about the tomorrow, making plans and seeing them through. I wanted it all, love, a family, children, career...and there was a point not so long ago that I really dreamed and believed I could have it all. I guess I was unlucky, it was not meant to be (everyone's favorite), he was wrong for me (another one favorite), and so on. My biggest dream beyond doubt would be to have a family, a loving sweet family, with two kids or more if I was so lucky. I know it may be unrealistic and even if two people are together it may be incredibly difficult to have it, but it's the dream. And although other people let go more easily, or don't desire it in the first place (which is totally fine) it's really hard for me to let go, because I know I'd be great at it, I can just feel it. I'd be a great mom....Nooo I don't have time to wait for it. Years pass by and I am always waiting, it's always the same thing...waiting...being positive...waiting again....a vicious circle that doesn't complete you. You learn life lessons, and had good things, sure, but now there' nothing and you are still incomplete. That's how I feel now, incomplete and I've always desired the full circle...I still do.
It should remind me that perhaps I should let go a little bit (at least not to suffer so much from the waiting) and that the full circle may be achieved with other accomplishments, a forever-partner and a family might not be in the works for me..who knows..that I should be at peace with this concept instead of being always anxious, depressed and frustrated...I will mature these ideas but they make perfect sense to me and they depict me 100% for a very long time now. If there is anything that I would ink forever it would be those two concepts. For sure!
