The need to vilify him

Not verbally or in written form though, just to think it. There's the whole having friends in common so trash talking him in from of my (our) friends is something I don't normally do because 1. It's not fair to make people chose your side 2. It's stupid.

I was able to move on quite Ok and fast from my ex because the relationship was not good, plain and simple. He did not bring out the best in me and he had plenty of severe flaws in his character which I genuinely hated. I don't know why I endured it so long, maybe I was trying to prove everyone else something or I was too coward to end it. Some months before the end I truly looked at him and thought to myself....I do not want you to father my children nor do I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That's why it was fairly easy to let go (although there was a grieving period as well). A huge weight came out of my shoulders.

But this one...it's destroying me to the point where I keep asking myself one month later if I will ever 1. love someone so much again 2."find someone that deserves me, who will love me as much and want all the same things as I want" as my friends keep calling it 3. will I ever be Ok?

Upon a breakup there's the Dumper and the Dumpee (me). If it's not something that mutually derails the feelings from one part are very different from the other part. The Dumper starts to feel all the negative bad stuff way earlier, his traffic lights start to emit flashing red lights way sooner, and all the bad things of the other person is magnified to the point that the Dumper accumulates all the bad stuff, the flaws, all the little things that he hates and cannot live with, the stuff that makes him say I do not want to be with you any more, I don't love you any more. For the Dumpee the breakup comes and in the beginning you didn't really see it coming, you can't believe it's happening, there are a few moments in which you actually ask if you don't want to work things out believing it's not time to throw in the towel yet. But then it does..

There is this notion and feeling that he was the one...we had so much magic and chemistry when we started seeing each other, he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with..he was perfect for me (of course with some workable issues) but that was it...hey I found happiness, can I keep it like this forever? I don't have to look anymore...
But upon a breakup you must break this cycle of his perfectness. Otherwise you'll never be able to actually move on...you'll fall in love again with someone for sure, or most likely, but you'll always compare to this one seemingly perfect guy.

He was the kind of person that brights up a room when he enters and he was the kind of person everyone likes. He was that likeable guy for everyone, every time, super popular, super relatable, super great. You could only start to see the flaws if you reeeeaaally got to know him better through time. Finding huge flaws in him is not easy actually.
He was always the good samaritan trying to please everyone at the same time, but in that process he somewhat forgot about what I wanted and I felt neglected by it. I always felt a fear within him to compromise, to settle down, he never expressed desire in marrying and kids were always way way down the road. I knew about his past with his exes and he acknowledged himself that he never wanted to compromise and assume anything (as it was always temporary). He knew I wanted it (the kids part, not exactly the super flashy marriage party). The being super relaxed about everything might be a huge plus for some people but he sometimes took it to the extreme, being in decision-making ability or being simply so laid back to the point I was the one to force him out of it. Some ideas, especially ones related to travel places somewhat always sounded better for him if they come from someone else, if I said them they would be ok, let's see, if some other friend said the exact same awesome place to visit, it turned out to be super amazing that my friend said and we should definitely go (despite me having said it one week before). Neglected. I also felt I was not good enough, because I didn't wanna do the same things as him, that I didn't want to go out that night, or just stay in bed doing nothing the morning after. It made me feel bad because I didn't have the same wishes as him or wanted to do the stuff he likes to do. My biggest flaw (bad communication which I am working on) does not coincide with his big flaw of pretending everything is Ok. If I feel and he shows everything is Ok why would I wanna talk about non existing issues?..Time bomb in the making....

There is this need to convince yourself that you not being together was the right thing and you were not meant to be together, what was once beautiful and magic and filled only with love is not enough any more.
I wish I could say it was a relationship with more bad than good but it was not. It had more good than bad and that's why it's so hard to vilify him. But I kind of have to. It's part of the process of letting go.