Coffee

I didn't want to go. It was a really bad time for me and the thought of having to entertain people, being happy, engaging in social activities, having mundane conversations and be the one to actually start it was very difficult. The sightseeing part was ok, or let's say, I didn't mind. But I didn't really want to go. I even thought about making some excuse but it was for work and I couldn't skip it obviously.

Then something happened. He asked me out for coffee.

I guess it's true than when you're not desperately looking for things they come, unannounced, gently, magically. There was just such strong connection...legs shaking..butterflies...that allied with the fact that there was an ending date made it so much more intense and more screw it, I need this. I let go and I did not and do not regret it. I've never been a confident person, with that much self-security, especially when one month earlier someone tells you, you are not attractive to them any more. Not a nice thing to hear...ever...and the problem is that, that sound is recorded permanently in your memory.

But that coffee made such an ego boost when I was so down. I didn't remember what it was like to get asked on a date again, the butterflies..it felt nice and it gave me hope. It was only supposed to be that at that location on those dates. But it was something more, his gentleness, we connected so much and amazingly we wanted the same things. There were even plans but someone else came in the picture...an easier person which made me step aside. Somehow I knew it was too good to be true. Wrong timing I guess...back luck for me. I am desperately hanging on although I know I shouldn't and I won't. I cannot be selfish to the point of wishing it will fall apart and coffee will come back to me. I can't hold on to it, I know that. It's not the movies. Everyone leaves and carries on with their lives, I don't get to be the chosen one and it's ok for now. It was good while it lasted, too good to become real and true. I was lucky to have it even for a brief period of time.

So, let's see. Back to binge-watching late night series.