Tuesday 28 June 2016
Empty words
Never let yourself believe ever again in someone else's empty promises. Those kind of promises people make when they are happy and excited but then when reality sets in they just leave, like everyone who promised something before them, has left. Don't ever believe in nice pink words again. Just actions and gestures, those count, not vague and over the top words. Yes it's easy to say them but working for it..that's a whole parallel world. Don't ever let your hopes and expectations go up for empty words. Even if you do find happiness again, wear shoes and a winter coat just in case.
Monday 27 June 2016
His friends
While trying to imagine my future (although I shouldn't) I try to imagine what I would want the other person to be, what I like that the other person would be, you know, minimum requisites. Again, although I shouldn't and it's completely stupid because it sets an insane amount of unreal expectations, I cannot help but wonder off sometimes.
One aspect of it that I don't think I thought of before is how I would like HIS FRIENDS to be like. Let's be real, when things cool off from the honeymoon phase where you have eyes for no one else, the friends part start to come into action. And it's true, when you are not by yourselves you are with friends, weather them being his, hers or common, it just comes with the package. And I'll be honest, I enjoyed very much HIS (the ex) FRIENDS. It was a great support system, they were funny, enjoyable, relatable, we spent a lot of time together, many many holidays shared, it was so easy...and I could just totally imagine that happy and great group of people being part of my life when I was older. Sharing more holidays, talk about kids, looking back on old pictures, etc...The same for him being integrated in MY groups of friends. It's unfair that I lost such a big amount of people all at once.
I didn't realize back then, the level of importance it takes in a relationship. Weather you like it or not, if you want to be in a relationship or to marry that person you are also in a relationship with his friends, his parents, his life, his job, even his country. It's a huge part of it. I have been thinking (in my imaginary and exaggerated way of foreshadowing my life..which of course has been fruitless so far) on how I would want HIS FRIENDS to be like. Welcoming, fun, easy-going, doing sports, sharing interests who knows, going out, doing fun stuff at the weekends, etc...Almost as demanding as I would envision my ideal person (or minimum-requisites-person) to be like.
Dreaming is Ok-ish, as long as you're aware of how far-fetched and unrealistic your dreams are (mine are) and you start living a little bit more. I wonder sometimes, but then I push all those ideas and feelings aside to live in the reality.
One aspect of it that I don't think I thought of before is how I would like HIS FRIENDS to be like. Let's be real, when things cool off from the honeymoon phase where you have eyes for no one else, the friends part start to come into action. And it's true, when you are not by yourselves you are with friends, weather them being his, hers or common, it just comes with the package. And I'll be honest, I enjoyed very much HIS (the ex) FRIENDS. It was a great support system, they were funny, enjoyable, relatable, we spent a lot of time together, many many holidays shared, it was so easy...and I could just totally imagine that happy and great group of people being part of my life when I was older. Sharing more holidays, talk about kids, looking back on old pictures, etc...The same for him being integrated in MY groups of friends. It's unfair that I lost such a big amount of people all at once.
I didn't realize back then, the level of importance it takes in a relationship. Weather you like it or not, if you want to be in a relationship or to marry that person you are also in a relationship with his friends, his parents, his life, his job, even his country. It's a huge part of it. I have been thinking (in my imaginary and exaggerated way of foreshadowing my life..which of course has been fruitless so far) on how I would want HIS FRIENDS to be like. Welcoming, fun, easy-going, doing sports, sharing interests who knows, going out, doing fun stuff at the weekends, etc...Almost as demanding as I would envision my ideal person (or minimum-requisites-person) to be like.
Dreaming is Ok-ish, as long as you're aware of how far-fetched and unrealistic your dreams are (mine are) and you start living a little bit more. I wonder sometimes, but then I push all those ideas and feelings aside to live in the reality.
Friday 17 June 2016
Basics 101
I like romance...I dream and delight on having butterflies in my stomach for someone...knees shaking when I see that someone...voice trembling...not knowing what to say, thinking about a million little things that I do want to say, thinking about nothing at all and just stand there stupidly grinning..the feeling of falling asleep happy, knowing that tomorrow that person will be there. I like that. I crave that.
I strongly believe we are meant to have a shared life. Life is meant to be shared! What's the point in going through the happy and sad times, travel, going through the hard parts, the boring parts, embark in new adventures, new challenges in at the end of the day you cannot share them?
I also believe that we (this applies mostly to me) that we are our better selves when we are loving someone. It's not about wanting to impress the other party, it has nothing to do with it. It's about wanting to give the best of you to someone else. We also tend to fall in love with someone that is (or we think is) either better than us or that completes us. This way we can learn and see and have close contact to something that we are not but we aspire to, that motivates us and drives us to be ourselves better. I firmly stand by this notion of love.
There's also more than a million other things about love and life and romance, but for me this is the basics 101.
I strongly believe we are meant to have a shared life. Life is meant to be shared! What's the point in going through the happy and sad times, travel, going through the hard parts, the boring parts, embark in new adventures, new challenges in at the end of the day you cannot share them?
I also believe that we (this applies mostly to me) that we are our better selves when we are loving someone. It's not about wanting to impress the other party, it has nothing to do with it. It's about wanting to give the best of you to someone else. We also tend to fall in love with someone that is (or we think is) either better than us or that completes us. This way we can learn and see and have close contact to something that we are not but we aspire to, that motivates us and drives us to be ourselves better. I firmly stand by this notion of love.
There's also more than a million other things about love and life and romance, but for me this is the basics 101.
Thursday 16 June 2016
Coffee
I didn't want to go. It was a really bad time for me and the thought of having to entertain people, being happy, engaging in social activities, having mundane conversations and be the one to actually start it was very difficult. The sightseeing part was ok, or let's say, I didn't mind. But I didn't really want to go. I even thought about making some excuse but it was for work and I couldn't skip it obviously.
Then something happened. He asked me out for coffee.
I guess it's true than when you're not desperately looking for things they come, unannounced, gently, magically. There was just such strong connection...legs shaking..butterflies...that allied with the fact that there was an ending date made it so much more intense and more screw it, I need this. I let go and I did not and do not regret it. I've never been a confident person, with that much self-security, especially when one month earlier someone tells you, you are not attractive to them any more. Not a nice thing to hear...ever...and the problem is that, that sound is recorded permanently in your memory.
But that coffee made such an ego boost when I was so down. I didn't remember what it was like to get asked on a date again, the butterflies..it felt nice and it gave me hope. It was only supposed to be that at that location on those dates. But it was something more, his gentleness, we connected so much and amazingly we wanted the same things. There were even plans but someone else came in the picture...an easier person which made me step aside. Somehow I knew it was too good to be true. Wrong timing I guess...back luck for me. I am desperately hanging on although I know I shouldn't and I won't. I cannot be selfish to the point of wishing it will fall apart and coffee will come back to me. I can't hold on to it, I know that. It's not the movies. Everyone leaves and carries on with their lives, I don't get to be the chosen one and it's ok for now. It was good while it lasted, too good to become real and true. I was lucky to have it even for a brief period of time.
So, let's see. Back to binge-watching late night series.
Then something happened. He asked me out for coffee.
I guess it's true than when you're not desperately looking for things they come, unannounced, gently, magically. There was just such strong connection...legs shaking..butterflies...that allied with the fact that there was an ending date made it so much more intense and more screw it, I need this. I let go and I did not and do not regret it. I've never been a confident person, with that much self-security, especially when one month earlier someone tells you, you are not attractive to them any more. Not a nice thing to hear...ever...and the problem is that, that sound is recorded permanently in your memory.
But that coffee made such an ego boost when I was so down. I didn't remember what it was like to get asked on a date again, the butterflies..it felt nice and it gave me hope. It was only supposed to be that at that location on those dates. But it was something more, his gentleness, we connected so much and amazingly we wanted the same things. There were even plans but someone else came in the picture...an easier person which made me step aside. Somehow I knew it was too good to be true. Wrong timing I guess...back luck for me. I am desperately hanging on although I know I shouldn't and I won't. I cannot be selfish to the point of wishing it will fall apart and coffee will come back to me. I can't hold on to it, I know that. It's not the movies. Everyone leaves and carries on with their lives, I don't get to be the chosen one and it's ok for now. It was good while it lasted, too good to become real and true. I was lucky to have it even for a brief period of time.
So, let's see. Back to binge-watching late night series.
Rock bottom
I haven't written in a while not because I didn't want to...I did...but a lot has happened and I haven't been able to fully process everything. Or I haven't been able to get over everything, I think I wished that in that short period of time I would be able to get over some stuff, clearly I was wrong. I hear a lot that time is needed to heal the wounds, give it time, it's too soon to be okay, you need to first be you again, be happy by yourself, and let yourself be happy so that others can come in. I wish I was faster in the healing process, I think I was faster in the past, but the circumstances were really different now that I think about it. There is a lot of 'oh how I wish things would be' these days.
First things first...he left. I was out of town for almost a week and in that period of time he packed all of his stuff. I came home that Friday to an empty closet and bags laying in the spare room. It..hurt...I had experienced it before but somehow I was caught off guard again of how deeply and how much it hurt. Some days later he left (forever) with the bags...empty spare room, empty house, empty everything. The loneliness and despair started to kick in again. He didn't even want to say goodbye. Now actually I don't remember which was the last time we saw each other...not that it matters. It shouldn't matter and I shouldn't remember it..the last time of each stuff. That blow of him being gone was somehow, in the following days, a little dimmed due to that trip out of town. I thought that that first month of the breakup was the bottom rock for me, I lost weight, I didn't go out much nor wanted to be with people, social events were hard. Really hard. I had absolutely no interest in dwelving in mundane every-day topics. It always feel like the world was ending so no, I did not want to talk about the gym or GOT.
Then it got a little bit better. The fact that he was not here and I didn't have to share him with my friends made it less terrible. Weeks seem endless now...I only have work and then gym, it's hard to fight the numbness of things if nothing interesting is happening in your life. No real motivation any more. I guess I kind of needed/need that in order that my days seem a little more hopeful, happy and exciting about the future. Now it's just one day after the other. I overcompensate during the weekends, then I am most of the time out, brunch, lunch, dinners, going to parks, going to the canal, drinking cocktails in the sun, reading somewhere, etc. I still come home feeling lonely. That is unlikely to change in the foreseeable future I guess.
A friend told me that I haven't been to the bottom yet. I have good days and bad days. Mostly good/ok days now and less bad days. I guess I desperately want a sign or someone to appear that would make me have hope again but I fear that that would take some time. And in that time I don't really know what to do to make it better.
First things first...he left. I was out of town for almost a week and in that period of time he packed all of his stuff. I came home that Friday to an empty closet and bags laying in the spare room. It..hurt...I had experienced it before but somehow I was caught off guard again of how deeply and how much it hurt. Some days later he left (forever) with the bags...empty spare room, empty house, empty everything. The loneliness and despair started to kick in again. He didn't even want to say goodbye. Now actually I don't remember which was the last time we saw each other...not that it matters. It shouldn't matter and I shouldn't remember it..the last time of each stuff. That blow of him being gone was somehow, in the following days, a little dimmed due to that trip out of town. I thought that that first month of the breakup was the bottom rock for me, I lost weight, I didn't go out much nor wanted to be with people, social events were hard. Really hard. I had absolutely no interest in dwelving in mundane every-day topics. It always feel like the world was ending so no, I did not want to talk about the gym or GOT.
Then it got a little bit better. The fact that he was not here and I didn't have to share him with my friends made it less terrible. Weeks seem endless now...I only have work and then gym, it's hard to fight the numbness of things if nothing interesting is happening in your life. No real motivation any more. I guess I kind of needed/need that in order that my days seem a little more hopeful, happy and exciting about the future. Now it's just one day after the other. I overcompensate during the weekends, then I am most of the time out, brunch, lunch, dinners, going to parks, going to the canal, drinking cocktails in the sun, reading somewhere, etc. I still come home feeling lonely. That is unlikely to change in the foreseeable future I guess.
A friend told me that I haven't been to the bottom yet. I have good days and bad days. Mostly good/ok days now and less bad days. I guess I desperately want a sign or someone to appear that would make me have hope again but I fear that that would take some time. And in that time I don't really know what to do to make it better.
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