Loneliness

It's not even about finding prince charming or the one any more (as most of the people try to shove down my throat the unattainable fantasy of how one day I'll find him..) but more about how not to feel lonely and alone all the freekin' time...that is what eats me up inside.

Life is still moving on

I haven't been here for ages, and I now realise I shouldn't have done so.

As opposed to last year, this year I haven't been able to keep up with my NYE's resolutions. I used to be a person who didn't really believe in that stuff but last year I was quite motivated. Or let's say it boosted my motivation. The sole fact that I had a list of dos and don'ts kind of help me guide my routine and point me in the direction I thought I should be going. It worked out ok...of course I didn't manage to follow everything but there were some considerable changes that have been included in my routine.

This year that motivation lasted little over than a couple of weeks. I have gotten used to being alone and spending weekends alone. I have some errands, I go to the gym, sometimes for a walk, sometimes for a coffee with a friend and out with most of the people only when it's someone's birthday. I've gotten tired and I have become used to browsing stories of several people in the same place while I am cast out. It's fine. It was part of my previous' year resolution to actually see and acknowledge who my friends are and value them. But always being alone is kind of taking it's toll to the point where I google what are the symptoms of depression...what does depression feel like...how do you tell if you're depressed. Furthermore things are not great at work...far from it and that adds an extra level of difficulty. An extra level of stress and not being able to rest or sleep well... a third level is this freaking long winter. The cold, snow, wind, days without sun and without being able to enjoy being outside are getting into me. This whole hibernation is over the limit people! I used to travel once a month...nothing this year....I also used to go a lot to shops in kind of a shopping spree but also nothing (good for my saving though!)

It's hard to admit that you are not mentally well..but I am not mentally well. I usually nap on the weekends, Saturday and Sunday if I can. also whenever there is a day I can home earlier and before heading out to the gym I also nap. There's a lot of napping... I am also usually in pyjama, night cream and in bed by 10pm. Not exactly to sleep but to feel the comfort of a cosy place and a warm blanket on top.

My best years are escaping through the fingers of my hands..

Life moves on for everyone around you

The message is very clear, it has been so for a while now. It's one of those things that makes perfect sense when you read it on a beautiful image on Instagram or Facebook. Note to self: spend less time in those soul-crushing places, especially Facebook! It makes perfect sense, you look at it and say suuuure, of course, I totally agree!! But when it comes to you, yeah, that's the thing. We've always been great at giving advice, it's so easy to talk about someone else's issues, how they should deal with it, what they should do, or feel, or act. Looking at stuff from far away is the most wonderful bliss. Enforcing it in your own life...not so much.

Upon becoming 33 I realized what I need to learn. Not what I need in terms on need-need. I have dreams, always had them, always wanted more, the most important "stuff" at least, I still need these things, these dreams to be accomplished, I am trying very hard to let them go but deep down I still hope for them and need them to be complete. But what I realized is that the thing I need the most now in order for my life to be peaceful and without any dramas or breakdowns is to be happy with what I have around me. Again, note to self: stay off Facebook. I get so easily consumed with other people's achievements and amazing lives (accomplishments which I also would like) to the point that I feel like a failure and I crash inside.

It's so hard to value yourself when you are so demanding and you have a long list of disappointments. It's hard to stay afloat when you feel so lonely and out of place, the world is turning at a different speed and you cannot keep up. Everyone's life around you moves on and you, are just letting time pass.

What I need to realize for myself is that I am lucky, I am valuable, I do have a lifestyle that many people would like to have, I am so lucky to be passionate about my job, that I am building a career and I have so much liberty in traveling wherever I want, whenever I want. I don't want to believe on the "whatever you want and deserve will come", that seems like again, putting a lot of expectations on something. The secret to a happy life is low expectations actually.

I do have lots of great things going on, I am thankful for the opportunities I got and I have been very lucky to be able to come to Vienna. It has been a blessing, even if it didn't have the happy ending I was hoping for.

I must be and feel complete with the life around me instead of always feeling incomplete due to the dreams I haven't accomplished so far.

This has been, by far the biggest challenge of 2016, perhaps I can enter 2017 with a different mindset, I hope my heart will be more peaceful soon. I suck at adulting sometimes. 

Things to remember in a more permanent way

I never really wanted thaaat bad a tattoo but lately I've thinking more and more about it. It has to have a meaning and I think I have found my meanings...plural

When I suffered my first heartbreak, or let's say given, although it was very hard for me as well due to certain circumstances at the moment, it was quite hard to bounce back. Somehow I was left alone, my friends were his friends, which meant they were no longer my own. I swore I wouldn't allow myself to disappear among the other person's group but I totally failed on my most recent experience. I guess I had already believed he was the last one, and these were going to be my people forever. The forever dream. I should have known better and I failed miserably. To my credit more than 10 years had passed, so I forgot that little life lesson. But I digress.

I got into surfing some time after and it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Being out in the sea, alone, was mentally liberating. I was away from heartbreak, away from troubles at home, away from faculty stress, away from it all. It was just one wave after another. The good thing is that within this new hobby I was meeting new people, making new friends, making my group. The analogy was striking. Problems and issues come and go, they are here and then they go away, they always but always pass and fade away. Bad phases are followed by good ones, other bad phases in other areas come, sure, but they always pass by you and go away. You have to manage it, deal with it and believe they will always pass. I have tried really hard to keep this in mind since then, it makes perfect sense for me that I add this little reminder more permanently, so I can look at it every day and keep the focus whenever bad phases come.

The other "meaning" that I would like to remember more often is something that makes complete sense to me, me being a person that believes in love, forever love, completeness and the concept of this life and all the beautiful things it has to offer being meant to be enjoyed and shared with someone. I feel my most complete self and the best version of myself that I could possibly be when I am in love, when I admire and look up to my partner, when my partner motivates me and pulls me towards being better, less flawed, more aware, more understanding and loving towards everyone that surrounds us, when I feel secured, protected and loved and I can sleep without insomnia because I know that tomorrow he is still there and happiness is still here, when I can dream and want things, all the things in the world, and we want to discover more of the world, explore it together, explore the several steps of routine and how good that feels, breakfast in bed, dream about the tomorrow, making plans and seeing them through. I wanted it all, love, a family, children, career...and there was a point not so long ago that I really dreamed and believed I could have it all. I guess I was unlucky, it was not meant to be (everyone's favorite), he was wrong for me (another one favorite), and so on. My biggest dream beyond doubt would be to have a family, a loving sweet family, with two kids or more if I was so lucky. I know it may be unrealistic and even if two people are together it may be incredibly difficult to have it, but it's the dream. And although other people let go more easily, or don't desire it in the first place (which is totally fine) it's really hard for me to let go, because I know I'd be great at it, I can just feel it. I'd be a great mom....Nooo I don't have time to wait for it. Years pass by and I am always waiting, it's always the same thing...waiting...being positive...waiting again....a vicious circle that doesn't complete you. You learn life lessons, and had good things, sure, but now there' nothing and you are still incomplete. That's how I feel now, incomplete and I've always desired the full circle...I still do.
It should remind me that perhaps I should let go a little bit (at least not to suffer so much from the waiting) and that the full circle may be achieved with other accomplishments, a forever-partner and a family might not be in the works for me..who knows..that I should be at peace with this concept instead of being always anxious, depressed and frustrated...I will mature these ideas but they make perfect sense to me and they depict me 100% for a very long time now. If there is anything that I would ink forever it would be those two concepts. For sure!

The couple's group

The dreaded day has come, I am now the only single person in my friends' group here. And let me say this, it kind of sucks a little bit.

Also, this particular group of people (or should I say couples) don't usually go out at night. During the day yes, but at night it's dinner and off to home. No drinks, or going out, or dancing, or going to a bar. Very rarely I might say. Although I understand that when you are in a couple you tend to stay more in the coziness of home enjoying a movie or simple one another, you are already comfortable with your partner so you don't need to impress them with dates and drinks any more and you tend to slack more, I was not like that and I don't like that lifestyle. When I was in a relationship I still enjoyed drinks and cocktails, going out to a bar until late, go dancing....sure, there were nights that we would stay in but at least on Fridays or Saturdays there was something to do, and it was fun....I miss it a lot. Now my Fridays and Saturdays night are at home. Fun...And it's not a matter or suggesting to the friends to go out and have a drink..usually the response is not so great. Hell, even when Portugal was champion we all went home after watching the game. When I was in Portugal, even though with his friends and mostly couples we would go out a lot, it was fun!

Another thing that has disappeared or let's say reduced by a million is going to concerts. I used to do it a lot, concerts, festivals, I enjoyed it, dancing, a intimate concert in a bar or disco, a huge festival with all my favorite bands, I had someone with whom I shared the same taste in music, and his friends as well. Now, not so much..a huge emptiness of people and friends to share it with. So many possible fun times wasted in my good years. I fell all of this is slipping through my fingers, wasted time, wasted opportunities, wasted memories.  

And it's not only that, it's getting a toll on me to be around them when it's only couples. They are my best friends and the closest family here but it starts to wear me out and I need to be in a different environment, lighter, where I don't feel the pressure to be the only one, to not interrupt a couple, to not be in the middle for example. However it is not easy to escape and have alternatives, meet new people, hang out with other people or other groups, there is not much of an alternative....but I guess that one is my fault, I also slacked on that part I think. I have to do something about that otherwise I will go crazy and feel lonely all the time.